MY SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS

Posted: November 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

This week has been hilarious and quite interesting for me, and I had two crazy incidents that were related to the ‘Logistics West Africa’ exhibition that was held at the Eko hotels from the 1st to the 3rd of November, 2011.

Event 1.

My office picked out two delegates, and one of my bosses was a speaker at the event. I didnt go for the opening of the exhibition but later that day, I was told I would have to be present there the next day to ‘sit’ at the offices’ stall which I secretely named ‘the kissing booth’. Anyway, after being told of my responsibility, my immediate boss hands me the company’s branded polo shirt and face cap, and I thought to myself, “ugh, I’m so not wearing this!”. I’m quite small, and even though the shirt that was given to me was a ‘small’ size, when I got home and tried it on at home after work, it looked like an American football jersey on me.  All of a sudden, a light bulb lit over my head and I remembered I had collected a sewing machine to experiment with a couple of weeks back from my aunts house. So, without thinking, I got out a pair of scissors and started snipping. By the time I was done cutting, I felt truely creative and stood back in pride to admire the pieces of the newly sized sleeves and body of the shirt, so I ran in, got the machine out,  plugged it into the electric socket, arranged the first pieces of the material, placed my foot on the peddal, and pressed down……..

Silence………., I pressed down again……., nothing! The only words that registered in my brain were “NA LIE!!!”. Frantically, I started stomping down on the damn pedal like a deranged drummer of a rock band and the machine just wouldnt budge, and I could have sworn the symbols on the machine were almost arranged in the form of a smirk.

I knew if I didnt come up with a solution to my creativity turned horror, I would not hear the end of it at work, so, armed with 2 mugs of coffee and a needle and black thread, I set out to conquer and piece the red shirt back together by 11.30 pm. By the time I was done, it was 2.45 am!.

Anyway, 2 days later, on the last day of the exhibition, I faced yet, another challenge.

Event 2.

Great restaurants are, of course, nothing but mouth-brothels.  There is no point in going to them if one intends to keep one’s belt buckled.  ~Frederic Raphael

Hmmmmm……., I dont know where or how to start this story, but tea and lunch were the height of the seminar for me, as I’m a lover of the arts, good food, and music, and I was a bit disappointed when I had my first meal and to my suprise it was totally bland. As we ate  upstairs, and I  lamented to my collegue on the quality of the food, she told me that on the day before, the very day I was absent,  they all ate downstairs, and we ‘made a mistake’ eating upstairs, that we should have just gone to the restaurant downstairs, and I totally agreed with her because i knew from experience the variety and assortment downstairs.

So, on the next day, I Skipped tea (not intentional) and was consoled by the fact that lunch was definately going to be great. When it was time for lunch, I was already seeing mini stars, but I held fast, shangri-la on my mind.

We finally went downstairs, and I bee lined to the sea food platter, and after a couple of spoons of salads and cheese, I happily went to find a seat, eyeing the dessert table on my way out.

While eating, the waiter comes along and ask if we are ok and if we want anything to drink, and we take our orders. 5 minutes later, he is back and he asks “madam, who is signing?” “signing? we are not signing, we are from the exhibition” we retorted.  So he looks around and asks if we were with the ‘people’ with the similar tags, and we were like “yes now”. So we see him going back and forth, and I was just to busy enjoying my food to notice that while the tags my collegue an I had on said ‘delegate’ the other ‘identical’ ones said ‘VISITOR’ .

” Gosh, Tinu, this man is going to embarass us.”

              “Embarass us how? he cant jor, eat o”

“Men, Tinu, what is this o, we don embarass ourselves today o”

          “hahahaha, you can so worry, nothing can happen, we are with the exhibition na, look around, cant you see plenty tags”

So, my collegue excuses herself and goes to to drop something off at our booth and I go for a second helping. she returns and I see dread in her eyes and she tells me that we most likely will pay for our meal as the first meal they had at the hotel was complementary. “NA LIE!!!”.

Apparently, I had already had a “na lie!” moment much earlier in the day when I went to use the cash dispensing machine and both of them were ‘out of service’!

Anyway, I was already calculating maths, physics and chemistry in pidgin English in my head on how I was going to get out of that mess because, I did not have up to N100 cash in my bag and neither did my collegue.

So, I tell her of my ATM dilema, and she say “no wahala”, so she gets out her cheque book and we send a driver to cash some money.

While she goes to get the driver, I call the waiter and ask for the bill. N15,180……….”NA LIE O!!!!!!” WTF! For what na? Then I try to imagine the gazillion times I have gotten  lovers and family to indulge me in my wants and never did I once look at the bill.  Omo, na wa o.

Anyway, she returns and I decide I was going to eat the ‘bejesus’ out of the money I was paying, and  solemnly vowed not to (excuse my ‘french’) “shit for 5 days”.

After we leave, I just slot my ATM card into the machine, and the silly thing worked! “na lie!”.

But damn, the food was fantastic, and from the saying above, Frederic Raphael forgot to mention that apart from loosening the buckle, you loosen the wallet too!

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Comments
  1. festivalking says:

    Fantastic writing Tinu!!!!!… I mean you already told me the story on BB and I laughed, but reading it!? … Its all so HILARIOUS!!!!….. My goodness you are gifted 🙂

    I am going to make sure you enroll in a writing contest this year or next!

  2. obi says:

    Absolutely hilarious, its what we call ‘ one chance’…..nice piece Tinu!

  3. Regina Ideh says:

    LOL! Serious one chance… Crazy experience.

  4. Regina Ideh says:

    LOL! Serious one chance… Crazy experience. Na lie! :p

  5. simon says:

    Hmmm Tinu another nice piece… Though at the beginning the litany was a bit you know draggy but you pulled it off. Funny witty and quite hilarious babe. Lovers….L̳̿Ö̤̣̇☺ː̗̀(=)))ː̖́☺Ö̤̣̇L̳̿!

  6. aideojigbede says:

    God Catch You! EVERY man who has ever had a scare like this while out with his babe or hanging with the boys knows: BEFORE ‘hand touch plate’, check (1). who is paying (you, me, the company, the hotel, our business partner, uncle’s friend) and (2). how much the bill will (probably) be! When ya boyfriend dey drop coins for restaurant next time na anoda eye you go take look am! 😀

    Nice one, Tin!

  7. kokobanty says:

    ℓ☺ℓ………..nice job. Keep it comin dear.

  8. Voke Emore says:

    That’s some events gal,it does happen to everybody ,but a lesson we must not forget. Nice piece keep it coming dear

  9. Bi says:

    Hahaha u had me rolling in fits of laughter, Na real Lie lol.

  10. phil N says:

    Tintin, u 4 wash beta toilet. But the honest truth is that we’ve all been in a situation almost similar to dis at one point in our lives and its good that we can all laugh about it after everything. Lucky your friend was there. Lovely post.

  11. Felix says:

    Tinu, today I see you in a new and wonderful light! Amazing literary talent. Please dont tell me you are not doing a novel or some book already. It will be a great disservice to the abundant potentials you are imbued with.

  12. emeka says:

    Nice piece. Can see talent.

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